its going to hurt because it matters
by drowninginmyfeels
Summary: A companion piece to Come Back Home. What Steve was doing and how Kono struggled with his absency.


Author's note: So this is a little companion piece to _Come Back Home_, on how Kono could be without Steve that long and what Steve did while he was gone. I took advantage of my thirty-minute breaks from studying to write this as fast as I can, so please forgive me if I make any mistakes. If you haven't read _Come Back Home_, I suggest you read it first or you won't really understand what is going on. This is slightly angsty; it's more of a sad story than angsty if you asked me, but maybe it's angsty in your opinion. Anyways, enjoy.

Disclaimer: Hawaii Five-0 is not mine.

Title is a quote from the writer John Green.

* * *

><p>its going to hurt because it matters<p>

_  
>Give 'em hell, turn their heads<em>

_Gonna live life till we're dead._

_Give me scars, give me pain_

_Then just say to me, say to me, say to me_

_There goes a fighter, there goes a fighter_

_Here comes a fighter_

_That's what they'll say to me, say to me_

_Say to me, this one's a fighter_

**The Fighter (ft. Ryan Tedder) – Gym Class Heroes**

_I'm miles from where you are,_

_I lay down on the cold ground_

_I, I pray that something picks me up_

_And sets me down in your warm arms_

**Set the Fire to the Third Bar (ft. Martha Wainwright) – Snow Patrol**

_Damn, damn, damn,_

_What I'd do to have you_

_Here, here, here_

_I wish you were here._

_Damn, damn, damn_

_What I'd do to have you_

_Near, near, near_

_I wish you were here._

**Wish You Were Here – Avril Lavigne**

_Everything you say_

_Every time we kiss, I can't think straight_

_But I'm okay_

_And I can't think of anybody else_

_Who I hate to miss as much as I hate missing you_

**6 Months – Hey Monday**

* * *

><p>Steve remembered when he attended the debriefing, he was surprised to find one of his old Navy buddies in the orientation.<p>

He opened the door and entered, only to find out that the Governor wasn't in the room yet. Suddenly—

"McGarrett? Steve McGarrett?" the one man said out loud when Steve entered the Governor's office. The commander turned his head only to land his eyes on a dirty blond-haired man with slightly dark hazel eyes. He was perhaps almost as tall as Steve, but not as short as Danny. He wore a navy blue shirt with the Navy Seal emblem on the back and a scaled one on the front, near the heart. He also wore camouflage cargo pants and hard-soled boots.

A grin broke out on Steve's face. "My, my. Wendell Vertrouwen." They exchanged a bro-hug. "How are you, my Dutchman?"

Wendell smiled at the nickname. Since he was of Dutch ancestry (well, his whole family is Dutch, except for his paternal side which is British) and his last name was Confidence is Dutch, Steve had the right to call him Dutchman. "I'm good, you?" he asked, his accent rolling off his tongue ever so easily.

Steve couldn't help but chuckle. "Just as well. Life's been kind to me ever since I came back to Hawaii." He smiled.

Wendell nodded. "I love Hawaii. Its weather is better than in Amsterdam right now. Just what I need—warmth."

Then Steve heard footsteps. And right there, Governor Denning entered the room. "Ah, I see you both met each other. Mr. Vertrouwen, Mr. McGarrett, please sit." And he sat down on his own chair whilst the two Navy men sat down across. "I've got a special mission for you both. I've actually already called Mr. Vertrouwen before you decided to replace Ms. Kalakaua, Mr. McGarrett. But since you've decided to volunteer, the job will be easier."

"Where will we be going?" Steve said immediately and directly.

"Many places, but not in this country, of course," he said. The way he said 'of course' annoyed the fuck out of Steve. It was like as if he should've known it.

"What are we going to do?" Wendell asked.

"You're going to be warriors, men. You're going to defend the country, and when you get back home, you'll get showered with honor."

Steve swallowed at his words. "How long?"

"Not long."

But deep inside the hearts of Wendell and Steve, they know it'd be long. Long enough to make them miss their loved ones and long enough to make a mark in them emotionally, spiritually and physically.

* * *

><p>When the orientation was done, they were immediately sent to a bulletproof van to be transferred to the airport. When they were in the van, Steve took the time to call Kono.<p>

He was glad she answered the call after half a ring. "Steve," she answered. "Oh, Steve. Where are you?"

"Hey, baby, I'm on my way to the airport."

"Do you know where you're going?"

"I haven't been informed."

"Oh, alright then. Stay safe, sweetheart. I love you."

He was very sure that tears started to fall at that moment. "I love you too. I love you so much. I promise you that I will never let you go when I get back home. I love you."

"I love you too. Don't get killed, wherever you are."

"I won't. I have one of my buddies with me, Wendell Vertrouwen." He looked at his friend and winked. The van came to a halt. One of the Governor's men signaled that he should end the call. "I have to go. I won't be long."

"Okay, goodbye, Steve. Be safe, my koa."

"Goodbye, sweetheart." And he ended the call.

"Who was that?" Wendell asked in a low voice.

"That was my girlfriend, Kono. She was the one chosen for the job before I replaced her."

"Oh," was the only thing that squeaked out of Wendell's mouth.

The Governor peeked his head into the van. "You guys ready?"

He and Wendell nodded and they went out of the van. The Governor's men each handed them a bag. Steve opened the zipper and was speechless.

"Sir?" Steve asked, trying his hardest not to show how angry he was.

"You volunteered, McGarrett." The Governor showed his most devious smirk that made Steve's blood boil. "I actually wanted you to do this, Steve, but you wouldn't agree. You would never agree. So I made Kalakaua the bait. You disagree and you volunteered. My plan worked after all."

* * *

><p>"He just called. He just called. He's still safe. He's not dead. He's with Wendell," Kono said to herself. She paced continuously back and forth in the living room. This opportunity might be good for him. These kinds of opportunities come once in a lifetime. She wanted so badly for them to just lie in bed until Danny comes barging in and starts ranting. Or maybe for Lori to laugh at them when they fall asleep on Steve's couch in his office, both cuddling one another and faint smiles on their faces, dreaming of paradise.<p>

She wishes he were here. Full of sorrow, she stopped pacing back and forth and went to the bathroom to shower. Then off to work she went.

* * *

><p>When she arrived to work, Lori was the first to hug her. Then Danny. Then Chin. Then a gigantic group hug was made, but it wasn't complete without Steve. Danny hugged her again.<p>

"You're the strongest woman I've ever met, Kono. You're stronger than myself – both emotionally and physically – and surely you can beat me in a classic game of American football." He suddenly heard her sniffle quietly. He hugged her tighter. "We're here for you, Kono."

She pulled away slowly and wiped the tears that were streaming from her eyes. "Thank you. Do we have any cases today?"

"Another murder in Waikiki," Chin replied.

"Oh." She paused for a while. "Can I just stay here in headquarters and do the part as the tech geek?" she requested.

"Whatever you want, cousin. Whatever gets you through the day," he said and smiled.

* * *

><p>Steve and Wendell were in the Governor's private jet and they were given a briefing of where and what they were doing. Steve got angrier and angrier every time he knew what they were going to do there.<p>

He paused the older man abruptly. "Stop. We don't need this shit. So we're going to the Middle East to participate in war? Yeah? Yeah. Everything you just said can be summed up into that one sentence, sir."

The Governor looked frustrated. "Alright then. You both are going to the Middle East to participate in war. Any questions?"

Wendell raised his hand. "When are we going home? My wife and daughter are waiting."

"Not long, Mr. Vertrouwen. Be patient. Now, if you'll excuse me," he got up and went to the other side of the plane, making a barrier with the curtains so Steve and Wendell wouldn't see what's going on.

Steve turned to his friend; a quizzical look completed what he was going to say next. "You have a wife? How come I never knew?"

Wendell smiled. "Remember Nadia, the brunette Muslim with the badass attitude?"

Steve nodded, remembering the woman.

"Yeah, that's my wife."

He was slightly confused. "Aren't you supposed to be Muslim as well to marry her?"

"I'm an atheist. I asked her mother and father and they say it's okay. If I'm Christian or Catholic, they would forbid me to see her ever again."

Steve laughed. "And what about you? I mean, she prays five times a day and reads the Quran quite often."

"I don't mind. She even tells me her beliefs in God and she doesn't mind as well – its that because we love each other that makes us not mind." The younger man continued with his story. "We got married right after I resigned from the Navy. We went to the same primary school, as well as secondary school. We separated during college and university but eventually met each other again in the Navy. I think she was in the same department as Catherine. Anyways, we started dating in secret, not telling anybody until our job was done then we'll get married. Not long after, we have a daughter. Her name is Khadijah, for Prophet Muhammad's first wife."

"That's a beautiful name," he said, smiling.

"She's beautiful as well." He smiled to himself. "Sorry we didn't invite you to the wedding. I tried to send a letter to you or email you or something, but you were completely of the grid. Even Catherine—who came to the wedding—didn't know where you were."

Steve frowned. "I apologize for not coming. I would've liked to see what the wedding was like."

"It's alright, I don't blame you. I never blame you."

* * *

><p>Steve and Wendell changed into their war clothes before the plane landed in Afghanistan. When the doors opened, the Governor said, "I'll be back soon to fetch you," then he pushed them both out and off he went to destination unknown.<p>

Wendell was searching the area when—

"Ah, Mr. Vertrouwen, Mr. McGarrett," a voice said behind them. They turned quickly and they saw a man wearing a flawless tuxedo. His hair was shaped a little like Tintin's hair, but his hair was jet black instead. He was relatively tall, perhaps as tall as Kono or Danny, but not as tall as Steve or Chin. He had a scar on his left jaw. "How nice of you to join," he said, his British accent slipping every now and then. "I am John Alonso. I'm sure Mr. Denning has filed you in on what you're going to do here, am I correct?"

All Steve and Wendell could do was nod. The sounds around them were loud and they could barely hear John's voice.

"All right then, follow me," he said as he led them to a warehouse nearby the airport. When they got inside, the sounds outside died down and they relaxed for a brief moment before they realized what was inside the warehouse: an arsenal.

"Fucking hell…" Wendell muttered.

The warehouse was oddly fascinating to Steve. He hasn't seen this much guns after he made Five-0.

"Take whatever you want. You'll need it," John said.

Steve took a grenade and threw it upwards, catching it just in time before it fell to the ground. "Thank you, sir."

"And also, come here anytime you like. I'll be here waiting for you. Even if you come here just to rest, or to tell me stories, please come. I don't mind guests," he said and smiled warmly.

Steve couldn't help but smile as well.

* * *

><p>They were with John's team. They met each other after Steve and Wendell chose their weapons, and suddenly the team rushed in the warehouse panting like tired dogs. John instantly became aware and came over to them, taking care of the cuts they've gotten. One of the men got shot and he quickly put a sling and told him, "Rest here for a week. It's alright."<p>

And now, three days later, they're in the middle of the war, one man protecting the other. Steve was made the captain for the time because the one who was in the sling was the leader. Wendell was the sort of assistant.

"Steve, behind you!" Wendell screamed.

The older man turned and saw a Middle Eastern man throw a grenade at the team. "Runrunrunrun! Guys, run! JUST FUCKING RUN!" Steve ordered. The team ran as far away as they could and ducked for cover. A sharp booming noise was heard. Wendell flinched and started breathing heavily.

"You okay?" Steve asked.

"It's been years since I participated in war. It's new to me again."

"We'll be here for you. _I _will be here for you."

Wendell smiled, but it faded fast. "Steve…your shoulder…"

Steve touched his shoulder and it stung. He flinched. Blood came on to his hands. He was shot, but when? "How…?"

"I don't know either. Come on, we have to go to the warehouse."

The team huddled around their captain, protecting him from the wildness that is Afghanistan. The only thing that crossed Steve's mind was Kono.

* * *

><p>Kono didn't know what day it was. She's been crying herself to sleep every night, thinking about him. It was so lonely at night. She could sense something was wrong, but she couldn't make any contact with him.<p>

She was in the living room watching the television when she heard the door click. It revealed Danny. She huffed.

"Hey, Kono," he greeted.

"Hey."

He took a seat next to her on the large couch and stared at the TV. "Look, you can't live like this." He looked at her. "Eye bags are starting to appear on your face." He looked a bit closer to her. "I know you've been crying, Kono. The tearstains aren't hard to see. Plus, your eyes are a bit red."

She looked at him. "But I have to. I have to, Danny. I love him and he loves me. Even if patience isn't my strong suit, I'm willing to live like this because I love this man and I can wait. Love can wait, right now it's patience."

Her words had an effect on him. He wished that Rachel had said that. Oh, Rachel. "That's good," he said and smiled sadly.

Kono noticed his change. "Something got you in a rut?"

"I haven't seen Rachel and Grace in months."

"I think she was surprised when she found out the baby wasn't yours."

"Heck, I was surprised, Kono."

"You should call her. I mean, if it's going to get any worse."

"It's not going to get worse, Kono," he lied to himself. "I am perfectly fine."

"Danny, I know you. You think after two years of working with you I don't observe the things that you do? You're a bad liar, you know that?"

He sighed. "I'm just scared."

"Scared of what? Of what she will say when you call her? That she won't let you see Grace again after what happened during Halloween? Come on; she's just a woman. Men shouldn't be afraid of women and their capabilities."

"But I thought you liked it when the male suspects are afraid of you?"

She giggled. "It's funny to see men who murdered be afraid of me. But seriously, Danny, she's your ex-wife—_yours_. No matter how far apart you are, you both will still have the connection when you both were married. You have a daughter together, Grace. Rachel was scared shitless whenever you went to work and she got scared every time you went home late. Your job risked everything but what you did was marvelous. What you're doing now is brilliant. You catch bad guys and put them behind bars. I talked to Grace once and she told me that you were here inspiration, that she wanted to be like you when she grew up."

Danny smiled. "He wouldn't be like me, he would be like you: a total badass who catches bad guys."

Kono laughed. And for the first time after Steve was absent, Danny made her day a bit brighter. That's what friends are for, right?

* * *

><p>Steve had an infection. It wasn't fatal, but he had to rest. Wendell and the team—including the now healthy captain—were in the battlefield. So when he was in the warehouse for a week, he told John stories about Hawaii, about Five-0, about Kono.<p>

"It was funny how we met. Her cousin, Lieutenant Chin Ho Kelly, introduced her to Danny and I on the beach. She was surfing and a guy crashed her wave. She punched the guy afterwards right in the jaw."

John laughed. "How long have you been with this lovely Kono?"

"Six months. We were undercover and I just straight up asked her. She just kissed me."

* * *

><p>It's been six fucking months since he was gone. She was frustrated and helpless.<p>

One day, Lori came to the house.

"Kono?" she called out.

"In the kitchen."

She came in and smiled warmly at Kono, who was sitting on the dining table. "How are you doing?"

"I'm fine," she said quickly.

"Well, you missed some stuff. Malia's pregnant and I'm with Danny now," Lori said slowly.

Kono's dark eyes brightened. "That's great!" she exclaims and grins.

Lori smiled. The blonde woman takes notice on the huge, dark circles under her eyes. She felt so much empathy for her and out of nowhere, she hugged her.

And Kono hugged back.

* * *

><p>Danny's been coming to her house everyday checking up on her. She's been fine. But when the I-can't-even-remember-what-month-it-is month came, she was crying on the staircase when he came.<p>

"Kono…" he came to her and lifted her up. "What happened?" Then he saw a piece of paper in her hands.

"I'm just re-reading the letter he sent me a few months ago. And I realized his handwriting was a bit skewed. Steve's handwriting is always neat, even when he's tired. His handwriting is never skewed, unless he was shot. Danny, he was shot."

The blonde man said nothing.

"He was shot, Danny. Steve was shot." Tears came again. Danny hugged her tighter. Suddenly she pulled away. She was just millimeters away from his face. Suddenly the gap between them was closed. Kono needed the warmth. She needed it. Danny's hands quickly went to her shoulder to push her away politely.

"You cannot do this. You love Steve. Steve loves you."

"I can't…" she didn't even finish what she was going to say.

"You're in this labyrinth of suffering now. You have to get out, Kono. You can't be suffering all day. Please live. I've been in the labyrinth myself, Kono. I felt so miserable. It was so hard for me to leave—until I left. And then it's the easiest thing in the world. So please try to get out of the labyrinth. It's just going to make you fall harder and harder into the abyss and I'm so scared you'll stay like this."

"I can't…It's hard, Danny…Help…"

And so Danny helped her get out of the labyrinth for the next few months. She went outside and surfed, went to the office a couple of times and started to be herself again. She's almost out of the labyrinth. She's just off the exit. She's waiting for Steve to come back.

When Chin came to the house a few days after she became, like, the most happiest person in the world, he was surprised to find the house missing. Then he found a note on the dining table. She wrote it neatly and it said:

_Dear Chin, Danny and/or Lori, _

_I'll be out surfing. I'm on Waikiki Beach. Come over if you want. _

—_K. _

Chin smiled to himself. He was glad the cousin he knew was back. Then he remembered what month and year it was: November 2011. Steve left a year ago.

* * *

><p>They were in Uzbekistan. Steve was trying his hardest to participate in wars, but he always gets shot after ten minutes he gets out on the field. But thank goodness the hits weren't fatal. They were just grazes to the skin.<p>

When he got shot in the leg, John mended him and told stories of when he was in England. His father was a survivor of the World War II and his mother is a history teacher. He grew up, learning about wars, both in real-life and Ancient Roman times.

"My mum and dad died six years ago. I was completely devastated. Even being married to a woman I truly love couldn't help me. I was helpless. Then I started to find my way back home, back to reality. I almost tore my heart out. It was hard. But my friends helped me. And then I was back on track."

Suddenly the team came rushing in the warehouse. Wendell was quickly laid out on a lounge chair and he coughed. "Steve…" he managed to say.

"What happened?" Steve asked.

"Shot…bleeding…it hurts…tried to save one of the men…bullet…"

Steve purely understood what he said: There was a bad guy going to shoot one of the men. He took the bullet.

"Tell Nadia that I'm…" he paused and coughed more as John treated the wound. "That I love her…and tell Khadijah that I…I love her…and that she's…so beautiful."

"No, you're not going to die today. Keep fighting, Wendell."

"Steve, everyone…dies…it's their fate…"

John stopped treating the wound and stitched it up. "The wound is remarkable. It was three centimeters away from your heart, Wendell. If you had moved, you could have died. Thank goodness you're not dying today."

Wendell let out a squeak of joy.

* * *

><p>It's been months and months and months and he's been participating in many wars, many battles. Finally, everybody was let go and they could go home. Steve was ecstatic. He couldn't wait to see Kono.<p>

Wendell and Steve were waiting in the airport, waiting for the Governor to fetch them. They had changed into their civilian clothes and bathed thoroughly, ridding the smell of war on their skin.

Then the plane came. Wendell and Steve said goodbye to the others before going inside.

"Well, that is an experience I'll never forget."

Steve laughed. "Who can forget that experience?"

"An idiot would've…" Wendell trailed on.

* * *

><p>Thanks for reading. My last exam tomorrow, hooray! Then the holidays, double hooray! Drop a review and let me know what you think.<p> 


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